If you have read my blog, you know that this past year or so has been not easy. I was diagnosed with cancer and then my world began to fall apart. I could not work, I lost my breasts, my hair, my husband….it was as I said not easy. The husband, I can do without. The hair, it is growing back. The breasts are being reconstructed but the job is a little more difficult. I am an award documentary filmmaker. You would think this would be enough to get me work, however this is a fickle business. I have been out of the loop for too long. I cannot stop making films. I am committed to telling other peoples stories to make a change in the world. So…instead of giving up and crawling into a corner to sulk, I decided to make my own work. I , along with my very talented son, have launched an Indigogo campaign to raise money to make a very important documentary. I am asking anyone who is reading my blog to share the link, donate and encourage others to do so. We are a community. Everything we do to help someone helps us. Here is the link and just let me say in advance, thank you so much.
Disappointment. What a pointed word. What is the point? You try. You jump. You land on the pointed rocks. Point taken. Move on. File it down. Soften the blow. A blow by blow account of disappointment. Appointed unworthy. Appointed disappointed. Shake it off. Dance. Smile. Remember the time. The time when the point was good. Make your point. The disappointed now disappoint. The circle is complete. No music, no laughter soothes. All is fingers on a blackboard. Can you settle in. Settle for? Settle for less than. Settle for the disappointment? A new settlement forms. The sediment settle. The sludge rises. You choke. You sputter. The bitterness stings. No choice, no chance. Gambled and lost. Put it all on the line. Line them up and shake your finger. The expectations dashed. Great expectations, what a novel idea. Expectorate the hope. Walk away. pretending you never believed. Walk away. Run away. Make a point. Disappointment.
Give me a break. A break from being broken. Shattered in a million pieces. Wanting a break to look for peace. The silence that was broken. The silence in my head. A hairline fracture. Wrap it up. Bind it with plaster. Become a statue to shield against the pain. Tap tap. The hammer falls. Dust clouds gather and the pieces tumble. A break. A chink in the armour allowing bullets to wound. Ready aim Fire. The armoury is empty. The weapons are down. Peace. I cry for peace. My pacifist heart cannot rise up against the attack. The pieces in disarray. I have become unglued. A bandaid to cover the cracks. Waterproof. Tear proof.Tear it off in one quick pull. The flaws exposed. the fatal flaws.Change the music. Change the dance. Find the break in the beat. Syncopate the action. Find a space. Find a break in time. Rearrange the pieces to find peace. Shuffle the deck. Cut the cards to find a new beginning. It is a gamble. I am Vegas. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Give me a break from the show. Syncopate the the action. Find the silence. Step into peace.
Light. Turn on the light. The light at the end of the tunnel. A tunnel so deep. Buried where no light exists. Buried by burdens. Burdens that are heavy. Lighten my load. Eyes straining to see the light. Wanting light. Craving the dawn. Darkest before the dawn. Have I seen the darkest. Tunnelling. Burrowing deeper to avoid another fall. A fall that followed a bright summer. Easy living summer. Endless day leads to endless night. The balance of life. Balance beam. Precariously perched searching for a beam of light. Lighten my load. Throw off the shackles. Bound to the past. Past due. Best before. Dilated pupils. Pupils of life. Pupils adjusting to light. Turning back to the tunnels. Buried deep. Protection found in darkness. Burrow down deeper.Turn off the light. Hibernate.
Leave it in the past. Let the past pass you by. the roar in you ears at the zooming. Zoom Zoom. I hurt you zoom zoom it’s the past. Passed by the past. A passing glance now in the past. A passing fancy. A passing word. Zoom Zoom. It’s now and it’s again. The past repeats. Patterns are formed. Past transgression begging to be forgotten. Past joys, do they plummet as well? Take a nose dive. spin out of control into the past. Pass the potatoes. Pass the peas. Now digested. Now Passed. Pass the ball don’t let it fall butterfingers. But I try. I fumbled the pass. Fumbled the past. Visions from the past. Visions to change the future. The past where does it belong. Forgetting. Pretending. Past rising. Past screaming in your ears. Dummying up the future. Dummies from the past asking for silence. Past tense. Why so tense. It is the past. It went passed you. Zoom Zoom. Sideswiped by the past. Dented. Scratched Scarred. Bend out the dents. Explanations and excuses. Not the tools to repair. Tools to deepen the dent. Deepen the scar. Wearing the scars for all to see. the scars of the past . Sideswiped. Spinning. Looking for the past. Find a focal point. Fix the past. Zoom zoom. The past went whizzing by.
I love you but.. i’m sorry but. The apology lies flailing. But the big butts of life, use the but. The but to push the buttons. The buttons that zap The buttons that shock. The but of the buttons used by the butts. Butter me up and tear me down with a but. A three letter word. Three letters with the strength to topple, to tumble to destroy. I love big Butts and I cannot lie. Lie . Lie with your your but. Your new bed of buts. May the pillow cradle your head. Sing you to sleep but. But what. The butt of a joke told by a but of buts. The butter melts. The butter rams the heart. Breaks the silence. Shatters the kind. The heart exploding from too much butter. Saccharine smiles. Sweet sticky toffee oozing with butter. Sweet to the tongue. Acid to the soul. Push the buttons. Start your engine. Off button On button. But But But. I love you but. Im sorry but. But to blame is a short slide in a pool of butter. Slippery floors . Watch your. step. Step on a crack break the back. The back of the truth. The backbone of love. tTrying to see through a smear of butter. Churning. Churning. Turning. Turning lies to truth with push of the button. The button. The butter the but of the butt.
Narcissistic.It rolls off the tongue like fairy dust. Crystal blue pools of reflection. Beauty. It should be beautiful. Should be shimmering. Narcissist. a cyst. A tumour that grows from the root of the root. Spilling diamond words that shred the listening. Narcissist. The cyst that destroys. The cysts that insists. That takes the light to feed its own reflection. It takes the shine It eats the good. It tears away the soul of kindness. A tumour so dark the listener fades. Diamond words cut and entice. Narcissistic enticement. Dancing in the shadows. Stealing the glimmer. Pulling the flowers to the root of the root. Reflections of nothing real reflecting the dark. A shadow that appears light. Close your ears Close your eyes. Don’t let the tumour grow. Cut it out. Take the cyst and throw it in the pool of light. Steal the shadow. me and my shadow. My shadow now in the light. The shadow gone. The cyst growing in someone else. Cut it away. The narcissistic tumour. Narcissist. Sounds like fairy dust Ashes to ashes dust to root. Pull the root. sprinkle the ashes. Narcissist. Steal the reflection. Take the power. Let them gaze alone.Ripple the pool break the spell. Narcissist