Words. I am finding salvation in words. Words . Lie. cheat, leave, blame, cancer. Hiding from words in words. Words that describe but do not define. Words thrown like knives. Knives that pierce the heart. Pionted words slithering from sharp tongues. but the words that flow from fingertips soothe. Like a a divine hand . Divine words reaching out. Words touching the wounds that gape. Wounds blasted by the black talon words. Words that exploded on contact. Collateral damage is high. Damaged but not destroyed. Words of love that hid the truth. Homemade explosives charged with words. the fuse was lit. Collateral damage is extensive. Extending a hand to help. A hand meant to heal A hand armed with tenderness. The hand that was bitten. Biting the hand that feeds. The lifeblood flowing. The lifeblood spilled and splattered by the explosion of words. The roar in the ears the deafening silence as the words ripped through the flesh. The words painted the scene. The scene that plays when eyes are closed. Change the words. Change the words. Change the words. Leave behind the lies. Don’t accept the blame. Fight the cancer. Leave the cheater. Slam the door on words that drain the lifeblood. Cut out the tongue that form the words. Find the new words dancing from fingers. Fingers that pause before they find their rhythm. Words that heal. Heal the gaping wound left by combustible words. Combusting. Spontaneous combustion of the heart. Pieces fly. Pieces land. Time to pick up the pieces and sew them together with new words. Open the dictionary. Find the letters. Find the flow of life. Move your lips. Form the words. The new words. The words of my salvation.
Overweight with grief. Over. Overflowing. Time to Overhaul. Kick the garbage to the curb. Curb the appetite for pain. Kick it over the line. The line that was drawn and quartered to torture and put under. Put under by saying over. Overheard . Overheard it’s over. Trying to keep the over under wraps. Trying to rollover . Turn over a new leaf. The seasons are changing. The falling of leaves. Where is my new leaf. Did I miss it as it it tumbled by, tumbling past falling over newly built walls. An over caused under the covers. Left trying to recover. Spreading the word. He’s spreading her legs. Climbing over me to get her. Move her under with familiar words. Over used, overheard pillow talk. Passed over. Overfed with meaningless words.Pigs regurgitating over used words. Overfed with lies. Overweight with grief. Overcome. He spread her legs. Spread the word. Over, over. Over and out.
Pop Pop went the champagne at the decision to marry. Pop pop. a joyful sound heralding new love pop pop. Uncorking a new life. Uncorking a promise of fidelity. Pop pop. Cheers and hugs followed. Heartfelt hugs hugs so tight you could hardly breathe . A new horizon. A new journey. Pop pop. The backfire of the vehicle carrying your love. Pop pop. A sound heard in the night by unseen ears Pop pop. The sound of the cherries of his new conquests as they lay in your bed. Pop pop. The blood of your life flowing for all to see, pop pop. the end is near. pop pop as your heart explodes in your chest with a deafening thunder. Pop pop the crack of thunder as the lightening splits your life. The separation of time pop pop. Pop pop is all it will take. A simple pop pop to rid the world of a cancer that is eating you alive. Pop pop. The alarm sounds. The new day has begun. Pop pop as you push the snooze button even as the cold reality unmercifully rips the sleep from your body. Pop pop. Time is your friend. Push that button. close your eyes. Lie in wait. pull the trigger on your new life. Pop pop.
How to begin again. where is the start. at the heart ? In the brain? The brain that has been drained of all trust. The heart that has been shattered with icy words and tangled meanings. double meanings. unclear truths. Do unclear truths become lies. Lying in a bed of lies Lying in a queensize bed made larger for lack of a king. A bed made kingsize. Kingsized lies. Kingsized pain. No king in the kingdom just traces of dust. discarded skin. Skin that flailed and lay beside me. Skin that was shed to reveal a snake. A snake that eats his prey whole with no regard for pain. A snake that has no beginning. Where to begin again . Where to start? In the brain or in the heart?
Endings are harsh. They are not new beginnings they are ends. Ended. Rear ended. I feel as though I have been rear ended with this ending. A sudden blow coming out of nowhere. Jolting me. Shocking me. Leaving my nerve endings oozing with pain.Rear ended by a rear end. An ass. A rear end rear ended me. The slap of the ending stinging my face as tears fall to the end of nothing. Tears that roll and end at the edge of my heart. My heart that has been rear ended. The end dangles with uncertainty. The ends all tangled up in what once was and what never was. An end to something that had barely begun. Rear ended. Sitting tied down by the pain. Sitting listening for an end to the end.
Today was a difficult day. It is my wedding anniversary. The day you remember when you pledged your life to another in love. It should be a wonderful romantic day. But today was a challenge.
How do you go about being sexy and alluring after they have cut off your breasts and left you with a scar that mocks you. How do conjure up the feeling of romance when the chemotherapy is making you feel like…like, well to be honest, like crap. My long blonde hair is gone and I just feel tired. How am I going to make my husband remember the woman he married. I am so different now. When I look in the mirror it is not me looking back.
I spent the day trying on clothes, searching for something that would help me look like I used to but nothing worked. By 3:00 pm I had given up. No amount of make up or style of clothing would erase what had changed over the past few months. As I sat on my couch, feeling a little sorry for myself I was hit with an epiphany. I had never worn make up before I was sick. I had never dressed to impress anyone but myself before cancer had invaded my body. I had always depended on who I was to make an imporession.
So… feeling tired and worn out, I lay down on the couch and covered myself in a warm duvet (since the chemo started I am perpetually cold) and as I lay there I pictured in my mind the day we were married. As I travelled down into the memory my face relaxed. As I heard the music that played on the radio that day a smile spread across my face.
while I laid there relaxed and smiling, my husband came home. He looked at me, he smiled and said”You are so beautiful” He leaned in to kiss me. As his mouth came close to mine Kompa jumped between us, climbed on top of me and began wagging his tail.
The memory of my wedding and my husband’s words made me smile but as always Kompa made me laugh.
Yesterday an amazing thing happened. I am going through Chemotherapy. Weeks ago I had my waist length hair cut short in preparation for the inevitable hair loss.
I went to my neighbourhood corner store with Kompa. The owners of this store love my dog. He wags his tail when they speak to him and does tricks when they give him a treat. Often when I go up to buy something needed we spend time talking while Kompa entertains.
Last night, the woman who is the co-owner said she had something to speak with me about. She knows I am going through chemo. She told me that even though she thinks my new haircut makes me look younger and fresher, she knows that I will eventually lose my hair. She told me that years ago she also had very long hair. She had her hair cut years ago but had saved her hair. Her long hair, she said was thick dark and shiny and it was so hard for her to cut it.
And then, and then she offered me her hair. She said she had saved it all these years, but now she wanted to offer it to me to have a wig made. I was dumbfounded by this extraordinary kindness.
I thanked her with all y heart, but told her I do not think I will wear a wig but I told her how she could donate her hair for someone else. By the end of the conversation , we had decided to donate out hair together. Mine long and blonde hers dark and shiny.
To finalize our conversation she offered Kompa a treat. She wanted to see the mecca of Kompa tricks. So, the treat was placed on the end of his nose. He sat there waiting patiently and when the woman in the store said. “Okay Kompa” he flipped the treat into the air and caught it in his mouth.
Kompa not only made me laugh, but he drew a laugh from the woman in the store who had, offered an amazing gift. What a day. Extraordinary kindness and laughter.