Narcissistic.It rolls off the tongue like fairy dust. Crystal blue pools of reflection. Beauty. It should be beautiful. Should be shimmering. Narcissist. a cyst. A tumour that grows from the root of the root. Spilling diamond words that shred the listening. Narcissist. The cyst that destroys. The cysts that insists. That takes the light to feed its own reflection. It takes the shine It eats the good. It tears away the soul of kindness. A tumour so dark the listener fades. Diamond words cut and entice. Narcissistic enticement. Dancing in the shadows. Stealing the glimmer. Pulling the flowers to the root of the root. Reflections of nothing real reflecting the dark. A shadow that appears light. Close your ears Close your eyes. Don’t let the tumour grow. Cut it out. Take the cyst and throw it in the pool of light. Steal the shadow. me and my shadow. My shadow now in the light. The shadow gone. The cyst growing in someone else. Cut it away. The narcissistic tumour. Narcissist. Sounds like fairy dust Ashes to ashes dust to root. Pull the root. sprinkle the ashes. Narcissist. Steal the reflection. Take the power. Let them gaze alone.Ripple the pool break the spell. Narcissist
Have you ever stopped to listen to the sounds as you pour your first cup of coffee in the morning. The musical splash as the hot liquid hits the bottom of the eager cup. The subdued moan as the cold cream mingles with the aromatic brew. The slight melting sound as when the sugar tumbles to the centre and then the rhythmic dance of the spoon when you mix the three ingredients into that perfect concoction that beckons you with its coquettish swirl. Ahhh coffee. Even on the days where I have no job to go to, this first cup of coffee offers me the hope that today may be the day. Today will be the day that my cell phone rings. Today will be the day that my “now” becomes filled with schedules and deadlines.
I walk from the kitchen to the living room carefully cradling my perfect cup of coffee, ready to find my new perfect opportunity. As I am about to settle in for my first sip I hear the familiar sound of toenails on the hardwood floor, coming at my a little too eagerly.
Next moment. I am wearing my perfect coffee. My first instinct is annoyance but then I look into those huge brown eyes and as always Kompa makes me laugh.
So…Did I send the email? The email that purged my soul? No I did not. But I saved it, so maybe one evening in vodka induced abandon I will press the send button. For now the knowledge of it waiting in the armoury to quell the enemy, soothes my troubled mind.
Today I have decided to structure my day as if I do have a place of employment to go to. I am sipping my morning coffee, dressed and ready to conquer the day. I have turned up the ringer on my phone so that it is now loud enough to hear it ring from a block away and I am poised and ready to answer any and all calls.
Today has to be the day of change. I feel it in my bones. My new future is rushing to meet me with arms flung open and the face of a long missed love. I am ready for your embrace. Absence has made the heart grow fonder. I no longer wish for the day we will be apart. I want to spend every waking moment with you. Come to me my love, my hope, my future, my new job.
I hear the sound of approaching joy. Running towards me. I close my eyes to imagine the elation I will feel when we connect. I feel a presence. I open my eyes and there it is. A big pink tongue ready to lick my face. Ahhh Kompa. You can always make me laugh.
For the past few months I have been looking for the positive view on my new unemployed status, however this morning I woke up thinking what would happen if I wasn’t being optimistic. What would transpire if I allowed the rage, that has been bubbling beneath the surface, to overflow and spill out. I pondered this idea and then I found myself writing an email to the …ass, yes that’s the only word that fits, the ass that fired me. My fingers were flying. The expletives were coming fast and furious. My emotional bulimia was taking over. As I formed the pointed words that were serving as my weapons of defence images were swirling in my brain. Images of the ass’s life crumbling at his feet. Images of him begging me to come to back. Images of me laughing in his smug , uncaring face. The power in me was multiplying by leaps and bounds. The artistry of every syllable was carefully crafted to annihilate and conquer. A small bead of sweat trickled down my face. I was finished my letter of loathing. The purge was complete. I finished with a flourish “I know you go on with your egocentric life without a single concern for the crunching beneath your feet of the people you have destroyed. I hope this email just makes the crunch a little louder .” My fingers trembled over the send button. Kompa, my lovely dog came up and hit my arm with his paw. He looked at me with understanding but with an implied caution. He moved back and jumped in the air. He wanted to go out for a walk. I closed my computer grabbed Kompa’s leash, opened the door and went out into the sunshine.
Many things have changed since I began my new status as unemployed.Most are ones you would expect but one of the changes I did not anticipate is apparent this weekend. It is the first long weekend of the summer season. How does a person who is unemployed react to a long weekend. Is not life just one long weekend now. How do I distinguish this weekend from every other day? Funnily enough, I still feel the rush at the thought of no work today. Maybe that is the beauty of the long weekend. For this one Monday, I can forget the stresses of unemployment and take a holiday from the feelings of loss and disorientation. So I will embrace the day. Kompa is sitting with his ball in his mouth, waiting to play, the sun is shining and for one day the working world is on hold. I will take the opportunity today to turn off my silent cellphone, to throw the ball for Kompa, and remember that even when the weight of the world sits on my shoulders, there is always those moments when you just have to play.
Life sometimes is very difficult. Right at the exact moment you feel as though you have finally reached the destination you were headed towards the earth crumbles and the road beneath your feet disappears. Everything you thought you knew becomes strange and difficult to navigate. Doubt becomes your constant companion. I am there right now, however my dog, my lovely friend Kompa can still make me laugh. I think he is reminding me that even in the darkest of situations we have to keep our focus on the tiny rays of light that sneak through to remind us that a new day will eventually dawn.